This sucks!

Well, that time of year is upon us again.  There is supposed to be merry and cheer about, but unfortunately it's not going to well for my dear friend Florence whose mother is ill and in the hospital.  I hope she gets better but when I talked to her last week she sounded quite upset and you know it's bad when tears are involved.  Until next time when I'm not so sleep deprived.

In Toronto

I have a headache and I don't wanna do anything,  It's kind of been like this the entire visit.  What I would love is to have four days...a good four days of just work!  Where I finished all of my assignments and I don't have to think about it for a week.  I mean it...this is such a piss off!  I would say I was feeling like shit but that's not quite right.  Gaagghh!!!

The Big Day

Well, the big day is actually tomorrow.  I travel to Toronto to see my beloved and stay there for a full month and four days.  The night before is always a bit of a nervous tic.  I don't really want to go but once there I'm happy I'm there and then I don't want to go home when I leave.  It fucking sucks.  I hate the actual travel part of travelling.  The plane part and having to pack and then slog out to the airport and have to wait to get on the plane.  Wait to get off the plane, slog through the airport, wait for your luggage, lug it off a stupid carosel, get in a taxi and then have to travel all the way to the house.  It just annoys me!  The other way is even worse.  I wish I could just stay in Toronto.  *Sigh*

Slow and Steady

Finished Chapter 2 (possibly three) last night.  Florence said there might be some tightening up but we are going forward with a Percy chapter.  I'm not going to lie, I'm rather excited about it.  We've focused so long on it!  A year and a half of hard work.  I say three because Florence says we'll probably split chapter two in two parts.  Since I leave for Toronto the week after next Florence is going to give me some assignments for back ground work, such as a map of Paris during the Revolution to show the where of everything and possibly a time line.  At least that's what I think what she might give me.  I'm not 100% sure but I'm hoping the assignments can be done in a short period of time.  In the mean time, I'm also working on my first bio for my yet to be started blog about Queens.  I think it may take some time to finish that since I only do it when I have no other writing to do.  So far I've almost done the childhood with one source and still have two more sources.  It'll be fun!

Cheers

Excited

It's now only a matter of weeks until I go back to Toronto.  I'm excited but at the same time I'm not one hundred percent keen.  Though I love visiting Brad and hanging out with the people I know, I miss my dog.  I really do.  I love having my little rolly polly, dopey little dog.  She loves to cuddle and play and she's always happy to be with you.  She craves to be with you.  I do love my dear sweet little booger.
I'm scribbling a  new story.  Bits and pieces and being idly scribbled together, it won't see the light of the day because it sounds too much like the work Caitlin Kitteridge does.  I hope one day I will be as successful as she is, to have a couple of series written.
I dream that the story I'm working on will become something like the work of the lady who wrote the historian or some other best seller.  Of course, this is highly improbably.  Writing a best seller that shoots up to the top in about a year.   Basically. writing a commercial best seller is winning the lottery.  Writing a commercial and critical best seller is even more rare.  And since stuff like that never happens to me, unless I reeeallly need it (i.e. I got my lung transplant in six months instead of two years).  Another example might be when I got accepted into university.  Of course I couldn't finish it which was very disappointing.  I truly wanted to finish.  I know I can finish this if my parents don't move!
You might ask why me finishing my current story depends on if my parents move or not.
 My mentor lives here.  She can't travel because she has an illness that prevents her from doing so.  She's been a real help these past few years.  If I move down east then my story will never get done.  Though we could still communicate through email and the phone but I have always preferred being schooled in person, with a teacher I can talk to face to face, to explain any questions I have etc.  Besides, I really do love hanging out with her.  She is a very wise woman and she tries to make feel better about what I am doing.
Coming from a middle class, working family, I was raised that doing an honest day`s work and getting a ``real job`` where you get a salary then settled down, buy a house and be normal.   Don`t get me wrong.  I do like my individuality or what I perceive to be my individuality but I also wanted to have a normal life.  I wanted to have a ``real`` career and use it to travel around Europe, maybe marry a man from Europe in a European country for the rest of my life.  Of course, after I got sick none of this was possible.  I couldn`t work or go to school because I`ve developed such a case of high in anxiety in my normal life, that any kind of test or pressure stresses me out to the point where I made myself sick.  It was horrible and still is.  I have to take medication for it.  I take a very small amount but still...have to take it.
I guess I just have to pray to the Goddess until I finish this and hope against hope the right agent will pick up my manuscript and consider it to be enough to publish and sell it.  I don`t care how little money it might be worth,  I just want to get it on a bookshelf in a bookstore and have lots of people buy it.

Eh, anyway, gotta go!

Cheers!

A Slow Build

It's all slowly coming together.  Very slowly but surely, though I don't think I'll be able to write those one hundred enteries.  It's almost the end of September.   I should have thirteen entries in here at least but really there hasn't been anything to write about.  Even pointless crap. 
I am, however, looking forward to my trip to Toronto.  To see my boyfriend, my friend, maybe even my cousin.  On the other hand, I'm nervous about my trip to Paris as I don't have a valid passport and I have to have it for six months before I can use it abroad.  Crap!!!!  *Sigh* Well, I want to get it done before I leave for Toronto.  And I WILL!  I will push if I have to!  Arrrggghhh!!!

What to do now?

This, ladies and gents, is a time kill post.  I have no idea what to write about since I'm bored shitless.  There is nothing to do!  I suppose I could start up my little thing about Elizabeth I.  I probably could do that. 
It would be an activity.  Something to claim my brain but I think what I'll do is just play a game on facebook.  YAY.

Fiftieth post!

This is it!  Half way to my goal!!!  Yeah baby!  One more month and I'll be in Toronto with my beloved and hopefully on my to working on a new chapter! 
MMMMMM...probably not. Well, maybe I can start working on the third draft of Chapter 2. 
I often worry if I'll ever get this story finished?  After all, it's almost been two years on a single frickin' chapter!  
It's not that I mind working on the chapter as it's taught me a lot but even if luck, the goddess and a very nice person picks up my story and reads it, what are the chances of a first story getting published?  I mean, really?  All this work and the most I can hope for is a pocket book romance.  I mean, I'll be very, very, very, very grateful...I mean it!
But like many wanna-be published authors, I daydream about being a best seller on The Romance Times.  That I have some sort of undiscovered genius, and that it would be be a commercial success like Nora Roberts, Phillipa Gregory or J.R. Rowling. 
I know part of being an author is to get critical success as well, but let's be honest.  I'm not Charles Dickens, Ernest Hemingway or John Steinbeck.  I wish I was, but I'm not.  I love writing.  I love writing these entries.  I like to think I have a wee bit of talent and some major help from Florence, I have learned a lot. 
I learned to tell the difference between an active sentence and a passive sentence. 
I think I've learned how to write a chapter (write some scenes and then slap them together and edit a shit ton until everything fits together).
I've learned that I repeat myself when I write an initial draft (again, editing is supremely important part of the writing process.  Almost more important than writing!)
I've learned to be a bit more patient.

That's all for now folks!

Cheers

Trip to Edmonton

I went out with Alouise today.  It was a lot of fun.  I really like hanging out with Al.  She's so much fun to hang out with.  We went to this amazing place called Duchess.  It's this Patersie in Edmonton that sells such delicious food it should be considered illegal in several countries!!
Have a story idea about a cursed guy who has a demon attatched to him and he meets the girl of his dreams.   I guess?  Eh, might work...of course could be sued for libel.  Wheeeee.....

Curious Crap

Stuff I would love to write about:

- Theresia Carbarrus Tallien:  She was kind of like the Oskar Schindler of her time when it came to smuggling people out of France.   She would help her aristocratic peers escape the insanity of the Terror.  She sounds like an interesting character.  When the Terror was over, she was all about having fun and partying!!  She slept around a lot sure...but she was rich, so..you know during that time (even now probably) it didn't count.


- Something Paranormal:  Just would be on a blog.  I want to write about a visit to Scotland and the Greyfriars graveyard.

Too Be Continued...

Catch Up

I've had a cold and I've felt like crap the entire time.  I just started feeling better today, though I've been feeling a bit better today.  I managed to finish the second chapter of my story.  I have to tape it together for Florence and then, editing.  God I'm tired.

A Bit of Bitterness

I've had better days.  I felt like crying all day long, the car just stops in an intersection (thank God not main street) and some one on facebook decides to lecture me on Islamic law in Saudi Arabia.
Look, if your not a woman from Saudi Arabia and have actually lived the life, DON'T LECTURE ME ON WHAT I SHOULD AND SHOULD NOT THINK ABOUT CERTAIN ISSUES!!!!
Every one else seems to be able to open there mouth and say what ever fucking crap they want to stay and as soon as I stand up and say something I'm autmomatically shut down and the worst part?  I have no rational arguement that would sound like an intellegent and educated way to tell this person to shut the fuck up.  I'm so mad right now.
I guess I shouldn't be mad at this person but she asks for people to be understanding during this time of difficulty which is fine (I don't know her very well but I've met her through other people and she was nice).  But I really don't want other people's opinions on any posts I do when they're political.  Really, I'm not that political to begin with but I guess it's just an accumliation of things that have been piling up over the past few days.
I was depressed all day today.  I felt miserable.  Mom wouldn't drop some slip up about dad taking time off (after just saying that she didn't want to go to Sask.) why should we have to be put through the same misery?  You know what? DON'T GO TO SASK IF YOU DON'T WANT TO!!!!!!!!!!!  She has adult children.  Let THEM look after her!  If she's driving you crazy, DON'T TALK TO HER!!!!!  Stop driving US crazy and sharing her paranoid thoughts.  I am so sick and tired of having to feel bad for some one who tried to manipulate my mother!  I am sick of being a nice person all the time!  For once I would like to be a complete bitch and just tell every one to fuck off and LEAVE ME ALONE!  
Of course, I am seriously hoping tomorrow I will return to my cheerful self and be nice again but I'm still pissed off about the whole being lectured.  I'm Canadian, I have been taught from the time I could speak not to offend anyone.  I KNOW that these people have been raised that way and whatever.  I am AWARE that their culture is different from ours, but you know what?  Almost 90% of the world has women working along side men, even most parts of Africa (even Islamic African countries) don't have this kind of anti-feminist views!  What makes them so different?

ARRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH

Silly Me

I wrote a stupid post on facebook that I probably should have written here.  Eh...whatever.  I'm taking a break from my normal crap tonight.  I'm not gonna phone anyone, write and I'm going to bed early.  Last night was fucking torture, with the tossing and turning and getting up, then going back to bed just to do the same thing over again.  The ability to function properly has stopped for tonight anyway.  I wanted to try to finish all what I had to tonight but I'm so tired that's not happening either. 
I'm just gonna take my nitol and hope that the Muses and my Roses will visit me again while I sleep.

Slight depression

Well, the flow of creativity stopped today.  Fuck. 
I had just a few more things to write and I was struggling with what I had to begin with!  I think the the problems were:

a) I was forcing it.  Sometimes I won't have a thing going on in my head and write anyway in hopes that if I pull it out of my ass that it'll just flow.  Sometimes it works and other times, obviously, it doesn't.  What I wrote today kind of sucks (not kind of, it did!).  So anyway, I'm hoping every one in the creative department enjoyed their day off is back to work tomorrow!

b) My mom is leaving to visit her sister for a few days.  To be quite honest, I don't want her to go.  Not only because I'll miss her but also because she doesn't really want to go which has made her seriously grumpy and hard to live with.  She always gets this way before any kind of trip, she frets, she worries and the rest of us just do our best to get out of her way.  It's quite possible that the reason creativity was on the low side was because of the atmosphere of the house or possibly the change in routine.  She just makes me nervous and when I'm nervous it's hard to concentrate because she's going all over the house, having a mini melt down.

All I want is a little quiet and inspiration.  Just a little?  I mean, I'm not complaining.  My Muses, Roses and what ever other world helpers have been outstanding, I've been guided by some wonderful people, seen and unseen.  I just want to get this done so that way we can move on to other things.  Please?  PLEASE???

A Note of Thanks

A great big thank you to my muses and Roses for helping inspire me for the last two days.  If they can hold  on for another day, we're almost done Chapter 2!  Thank you, thank you!!!!!!

M.

Another Day, Another Post

I'm not sure what is I should write about tonight.  There really isn't much to talk about.  I'm writing what is hopefully the final part of the second chapter I have spent the last seventeen months working on.  Seventeen months.  I mean, wow!  I hope it doesn't take another seventeen months to write the next chapter because then it's going to take a hell of a long time to write this thing.  I might be dead before it gets published! 
I guess I'm just frustrated.  I know that what I've been working on is worth it.  For some reason writing those individual scenes was easier to write than this whole chapter is!  I suppose it's because I have a lot of stuff to go through, so much material to chose from, I didn't know where to start! 
I'm not a patient person either so that probably doesn't help.  Anyway, I am determined to send in a first draft to Florence by the end of the weekend/Monday.  That is a promise!  Wow, I guess I had something to talk about after all!  Frustration breeds creation?  God I hope so!
Come on my muses!  Please help me!
My dearest Roses please help me!  Please?  I need inspiration for this last stretch....please?

P.S.  Thank you muses and Roses for the help tonight :).  Really appreciate it!!!  Please keep it up so I can finish this scene for tomorrow?  THANK YOU

Another pointless entery

I just felt the need to post again.  About what I'm not sure.  I just felt the need to post something.  Maybe because today is the day I actually had to write.  I managed to write about two pages worth of content.  I should have written/cut and pasted more but some one else was on the computer that has access to a printer.  I think about getting a printer for this heavy piece of bits and pieces of a computer. 
What I dream of having one day is something that weighs the size of three year old.    It depresses me but it's either buy a new lap top or a trip to Paris.  Guess which one wins? 
There's really nothing to talk about really.  I tried to write about Alestier Crawley but that just gave me shudders and I felt more than a little nervous for some reason and had to stop writing about him.  Even typing about him is giving me the willies.  I don't know why.   Maybe I'm being ridiculous but eh...better safe than sorry.  I believe in life after death and sometimes souls who weren't that great in life are just as dangerous in death. 
I do believe in spiritualism and a lot of the old pagan Goddess and you have to be super careful with how you do things.  Just ol' Aleister was very very creepy

Shame on Me

Apologies for not writing yesterday.  I was on a role yesterday with the writing, or rather the cut and pasting.  I didn't call my boyfriend either.  Shame on me!  Today I hit a wall again.  I had what I wanted in my head but couldn't really get it on a paper, so I finally just typed out what I needed and just cut it out and pasted it on paper.  Sooo...yeah!  That is my achievement for the day.  Tomorrow is kind of the third part of chapter two, the trip home, the market and the arrest.    This could be interesting...*sigh*.  I'll probably end up writing it manually and my hand will feel like it's about to drop off but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  Huzzah!

*Sigh* Home

Went to the doctor's for annual check up.  Apparently I'm fine.  Rocking steady.  My PFTs were the same as last time, which is good.  The tech said that it was even a smidge better, so that was encouraging.   I was a bit freaked out because it felt to me like my breathing had changed, but it turns out it was just me being a freak and paying to close attention to stuff.  Just glad to be home

Writing is going very slowly.  It feels like it's taking forever to get my crap together for this one!  Incredibly frustrating as it was flowing like...well...like a flow-y type thing that flows and now it seems to have hit a block.  I think it's probably that, once again, I'm over thinking things and just need to sit down and focus on what I'm doing.  Still frustrating though.

Mom and Dad might be going to the lake tomorrow with some of their friends.  That would be totally super as I would get the house to myself and bask in the sweet silence.  I'd still have Dita with me but that's ok.  She's nice company, and she's such a cuddle bear.  I love this little piece of fluff.  Right now she's taking a nap on my lap and it's just pure bliss right now. 
I would love to take a nap but I don't wanna move either.  I just might cave and do it anyway.

Cheers

Hi!

Welcome all you shiny happy people out there in Internet land!  This is the first entry on the road to the goal of 100 entries by December 31, 2012.  I decided on this number because it's a nice round number and something I can pull off. 
Now, I'm going to warn every one straight off that most of these entries will be completely pointless.  What?  You say most of these entries are pointless anyway?  Well, guess what?  The ones I consider pointless are probably going to be even more pointless than the ones I consider to have a point!  Got that?  Good.  Now lets move on.
Since I haven't really introduced myself in any of the previous entries I've put up, I'll toss in a brief summary in this one.
I'm 33 years, seven months and four days of this posting.  I'm an Aquarius and proudly posses most of the qualities that make an Aquarius an Aquarius.  I can't think of a lot of them at the moment, except to say that I'm kind of weird, somewhat antisocial (this isn't a quality of an Aquarius, that's just me.), and believe in a lot of humanitarian causes though I don't have the money to support any.  Basically I believe that as long as people aren't breaking the law, or hurting anyone emotionally then you should do whatever you feel is right for you. 
I have a really broad imagination and have had one since I was a little kid.  I used to work at the local library but I don't anymore for a myriad of reasons.  One of the major being that my health is border line bad and I'm in a long distance relationship.  I decided last year that I would keep myself as healthy as possible and pursue what I wanted before I was too sick to do anything about it.  So I have more freedom to spend with my awesome boyfriend, whom I adore and maybe take a trip or two to Europe. 
To keep myself busy I'm in the process of writing a novel.  Yes, this is probably every reader's dream to write a novel but again, I decided to take this opportunity to do it now instead of waiting until I'm so sick that I won't have the energy to do it.  I've been working on it for a year and a half now and I haven't even been able to finish Chapter 2.  Chapter 1 is a far away dream right now but I'm hoping all this work will pay off.  Sadly, it seems when I put so much work and effort into something it never seems to get the same reward and recognition of something I've just pulled hastily out of my ass.  Sometimes I think it'll get published no problem but then other times I think it'll probably won't or it'll take forever to get published, again I would love to see something I wrote on a shelf in a book store before I die.  That would be so frickin' awesome and maybe, just maybe my family and friends will be kind of proud of me.  For that anyway.
My other love, is my little dog Dita.  An adorable Chihuahua who loves to be cuddled and barks at people who come into the house.  She doesn't bite, she just barks to tell them to "Stay the hell away from me!"
So that's the first entery.  Please expect entery two on Friday August 3, 2012.

Cheers

SHITE!!

Well, one thing is for sure, one of my prayers did get answered today.  I was having some major problems writing Chapter 2 when out of nowhere Florence calls and asks if we can meet up to talk about how to put together Chapter 2!  Wow, weird or what???

Now I only need my second prayer to come true.  To do well on my PFTs for my Doctor's appoint at the end of the month.  I've noticed my breathing has been a bit sketchy but I'm hoping I'm just being paranoid and have nothing to worry about.

Wheee

Well, my friend is off to the Arctic.  Well, not the Arctic, but the Northwest Territory.  It was nice to see her again but now I'm tired.  I need sleep.  Oh, by the way, for the next few months there will be absolutely pointless entries like this for the next five months.  I want to get 100 enteries on this thing before the year is up and because I'm so OCD about these things it will be done on the 31st of December and then will write on the first.

The Curse of Four

Just finished reading Caitlin Kitteridge's Curse of four and dear God!  It was soooooo good.  I love this series!  It's The Black London series.  It's black, it's gritty and it has ghost, fae and the supernatural.  I LOVE IT!  I only wish I had this author's talent.   I would love my writing to be just as black and gritty as hers.  She's so f-ing awesome!
Maybe one day, when I figure out how to write a proper novel I'll write something like it.  I doubt it though, since, unfortunatly, my romantic nature and ridiculous idealism gets the better of me.  I just don't think I could think of some one as twisted as Jack Winter.   I idealized the shit out of my male characters so they end up being these nice shiny people. 
Of course, that might not be true of Percy.  I want to make him a bit more realistic.  A little darker.  Though in the original he's kind of dark already.  He has a double personality.  *Sigh*. 
It would be fun to write a book with proper demons and ghosties.  I could write something about John Dee.  He was Elizabeth I's oracle.  He apparently was into angel magic (where you communicate with angels).  His partner in this fucked up little venture Edward Kelly was into black magic and according to Dee the angels would speak through Kelly, particularly one called Madini.  I've never heard of angel magic, but apparently it's not cool.  It's akin to black magic I think.
Anyway, it blew up in his face, and like most conjurers, like Alister Crowely, who thirsted for knowledge (Dee was in it for acadamian knowledge, Alister was in it for the power.  Who knows maybe Dee was in it for the power too).  Anyway, they both ended up in poverty and alone at the end.  But ya know what?  I might save that story for another day :)

Cheers

The Fuck?????

Happy news:

- I finished one of two versions of chapter 2. 

- I have my own private station of crap in the dining room.  Why I did not think of using the dining room as an office is a mystery, but I have discovered this underused spare room, that is upstairs, not cold and dry.  Only problem?  The front window facing the street, has the potential to get really hot when the sun shines through, and Mom usually keeps the blinds half way up.  Oh well, it's a spare room and hopefully Mother dearest won't complain that I have yet again invaded her space.  If this becomes permanent will set up lap top and other fun crap.
Note to self:  Get laptop looked at by computer guys to fix the key that has three on it and find out why I must start this fucking thing a hundred times over before it will work.

- I got the new season of The Ricky Gervais Show.  Was happier than hell.  I love that show.  It cheers me up immensely.

The Not-So-Happy News

- I got guilted big time for line jumping and joining mom at her cash.  Some lady was being a bitch about it but I know I deserved.  Still, shouldn't have done it.\

- I lost Carley as a friend.  My fault entirely 'cause I was a bitch to her in a not nice way.  I used to feel proud of the fact that I was a loyal and good friend but over the years I've not been that friend.  I don't know why.  I guess, it's cause I've become a selfish little cow.   I like to work  on my story.  Well, that is up until now (more on that later).  So because of the drive to work on my story I've become a hermit. 
I also like hanging out with my boyfriend.  This is a cause of tension between her and I as she feells a woman doesn't need a man in their life.  At least that's the impression I've gotten.  And although I agree with her views, I just felt a bit lonely before I met Brad.  There was a void there and he filled it.  I know on that part of my life I'm happy and wouldn't have it any other way but...*sigh*.  Once again, it's the guilt raising it's ugly head.  GRRRR.

New News:

   I'm gonna attempt to try to set up a new blog about European history.  A hodgepodge of history if you will.  Whatever catches my fancy.  Which right now is Elizabeth I of England.  Next will certainly be Marie Antoinette.  After that is Mary I of England, possibly Mary Queen of Scots.  I saw a book about what London was like in Shakespeare's time that looks fun.  Perhaps something on Jack the Ripper.  Something about Paris, the Revolution and counter revolution should be a hoot.  I'm just throwing stuff out there as ideas.

Old News:

 Yes, I'm returning to that old chestnut, my writing.  Ok, so, as usual I'm doubting myself again.  It happens at least once a month where I wonder where all of this is going?  Yes, I love the work.  I find it cathartic to write something down.  It gives me a sense of control in an otherwise out of control world.  But I also wonder, will this be good enough?  Will an agent look at it and see what Florence sees?  Will I get it published?  I mean, there are probably thousands of people out there who have the same hopes I do, and are probably way more talented than me and they don't get published.  It took Susanna fifteen years to get published.  FIFTEEN!!!!!  And her stuff is superb.  *sigh* I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

Once Again

I didn't get any writing done.  It's just to hot here to do much until about eight at night and by then, you're so drained from the heat of the day, you don't want to do much anyway.  *Sigh*
I'm reading a book about Elizabeth I.  In it the idea is put forth that she may have had a child out of wed lock.  I am starting to become facinated with the idea of the Tudors.  I read a ficitionalized biography of Mary Queen of Scots.  I thought about writing about her at one time but didn't really wasn't interested in the Tudors at the time.  I also read a book about Henry the VIII and his six wives.  It was written by an expert in the Tudor court.  It was long, almost five hundred pages.  I didn't consider writing about them because I hate King Henry.  I think he was the most selfish, pompous, cold, cruel self serving king in the history of England.  There are a lot of Kings that probably fit the bill, and probably have a more going against them than Henry, but I can't stand the man.  He was disgusting as far as his eating habits, his weight, just everything about him is repulsive to me.
He split the nation in two with his stupid desire to have a son.  You know, a lot of kings died not having sons, what made him so fucking special????
He ruined the life of his first daughter and very nearly ruined the life of his second.  Yes, I do dispise this particular royal.  Though one good thing may have come of him.  His daughter Elizabeth.  She probably made her share of mistakes too but...she has a whole era named after her so she can't have been all bad.
I know that these reviews are supposed to be balanced but since I'm an ameture historian, um....ok, that sounds a bit arrogant.  As a person interested in history I should try to make these things balanced but since I'm not teaching people about the period, nor am I writing a book for or against the guy I can think whatever I like.  I might read a couple more book about Elizabeth and what I learned on my blog.  I might just change it to women of history instead of just the French Revolution since I do like learning about powerful women in history and how they were able to affect their time and history itself.  I might just do a few of my favourite Queens.  Here are some of them:

- Queen Elizabeth I
- Mary Queen of Scots. (Yes, I'm fully aware that Elizabeth signed her death warrant but I don't think she wanted to do it but she must have felt threatened.  Plus the fact that Mary's son James became James I of England.)
- Marie Antoinette (Again, fully aware of the woman's faults which were glaringly obvious BUT I would also like to toss in that people seem to forget that when she arrived at Versailles she was just a girl of fourteen who wasn't really prepared for the crap that the French court would throw at her.)

I might also throw in some information as to how "normal" women lived.  The conditions they lived in and what they had to put up with.  I think it might be fun:).

So I guess that might be the summer project as well as the story!

Huzzah!!!

Because I'm Bored...AGAIN

Today has been impossibly hot.  Soul crushingly, unmotivatingly hot.  You have no idea how frustrating that is for me as a writer (not that anyone really cares, I'm just on a rant here).  I'm hoping by the time Brad gets home it'll be cool enough that I can get at least a little writing done.  Right now I want to lie down and do absolutely positively NOTHING.  Well, I've been doing that all day.  So I guess more of that?
It's supposed to be cooler back home, which means when I do get home I'll be wishing the weather was more like here.  Son of a bitch.  I'm never happy am I?
I have decided if Brad and I do go out tonight I am going to:

A) Buy that book about Queen Elizabeth I.  It's like five bucks, can't go wrong with that!
B) Take pictures of some of my favourite places I've discovered in Toronto.  Just for the hell of it really.  It'll make me feel like the professional writer I want to be.

How come I always want to be something but never am?  I mean, I'm always wishing for all these things and they some how never seem to become reality?  I mean, my personal life is great.  I am not complaining about my personal life powers that be so please don't mess up what I'm finally satisfied with.  It's just the money/professional/career side that could use a bit of work.

Ok so, it's hot now and I want to take a nap.

Cheers

Should have gone out...

God, I'm bored.  I'm sitting at the kitchen table listening to stuff I've listened to a hundred times before.  I want to write but it would take far too much energy, so I'm typing instead.  So not only am I bored but I'm lazy too! 
Brad is working overtime.  It's almost eight o'clock and he's still not home.  Different eras of history are running about in my head, what I could possibly write about.  I would love to write something wonderfully serious, but I doubt I have the talent. I think I might have delusions of graduer, with all my wishes to become a best selling author.  I doubt I am that lucky.  I'm only lucky when it counts, which means it involves health, possibly relationships (I mean, ok my record of relationships is kind of crap but, dare I say it, this one seems to be going not to terrible.  I actually love this one and he's like a big ol' cuddly teddy bear whom I adore.).  My friends are good.  I suppose what I mean is that I always have good luck when it comes to my personal life.  My professional life on the other hand is something else entirely.  I've never been very good at working.  I'm a nervous person and so get stressed very easily.  I say stupid things when I'm nervous.  I dunno.  I just need to have at least one thing in my life go well.  I mean as far as some sort of profession goes.  This will be a repeat of last night's entery but I do pray that I will get this thing read and published.  That's all I want right now.  All I ever think about.  I mean, it's that, the trip to Paris and spending time with Brad.  Those are the three things that are constantly on my mind.  Please God help me!!!!

Writing it down

So I've been thinking.  It would be kind of cool to write a story about Victorian England.  I don't know what I would write about though but the idea just strikes me as fun.  There are actually a few ideas bouncing about in my head.  I really want to write about something supernatural, possibly disturbing.  I don't know why I want to do it, I just know that I want to do it.  It could be about ghost hunters or something.
I've also thought about writing about the Tudor period.  This would be for my own amusement.  It would be neat to write about Shakespeare or Queen Elizabeth.  Susanna would kill me if I did that.  I just have to find a era that grabs my attention, like the Holocaust used to.
I suppose another reason I want to write about something gory is to satisfy my blood lust.  While the  French Revolution IS interesting, I'm finding myself thinking the story I'm writing now is so far off base to what actually happened I don't think it would be taken very seriously.  I mean, if it ever did get published, it would definitely be a bodice ripper, which doesn't really bother me, considering that's kind of what I had in mind anyway for this story.  But I WOULD like to write about something more serious.  About a real person, but a fictionalized account.  I want to dig through records, buy books and just be really proficient for the time and place.  I was thinking perhaps writing as the wife of Samuel Peyps.  But the problem with that is I have to research yet ANOTHER era and to be quite frank I just don't wanna!
I have considered writing about a servant who had served MA in her last days.  Or writing about Theresia Carbarrus Tallien.  Except she's kind of a slut. A brave slut, but a slut none the less.  I have also considered Louis Antoine St.Just.  Or at least through the eyes of someone who may have know him.  The trouble is however, that he was a self-righteous moron who was just a deluded as Robespierre.  Though I still don't like Robespierre very much, the way he lived he could be seen as respectable.  I think he was a hypocrite for   not believing in the death penalty and then allowing thousands to be slaughtered all because of his paranoia and his precious vertu.
I realize no one is perfect and people make mistakes but goddamn it!  I'll have to do some more thinking and keep reading and perhaps I'll find a character I actually can admire AND respect.  I think I might just ask Susanna who she would write about that didn't fit into the slightly insane category!

Feeling Twitchy

I feel the desperate need to write again.  This is where I go when I have no projects on the go.  I do have a project on the go, but I need to print it out and then go over it.  I can't stand reading it on the screen, not only is it on hard on the eyes, it can get confusing, and for some reason it seems like I can't think as clearly if the writing is on screen.
Brad's kids are here for the weekend.  I like having them here.  They add a bit of fun to the place.  I mean, it's fun when they're not here but it's also nice to have them here too.  Brad seems to be happier with his children.  It makes me smile to watch him interact with them.  I feel like I'm intruding though.  It's not something they've done and they're all very sweet, it's just this is time with them so I try to stay out of things as much as possible. 
I also kinda like having them here because, strangely enough, it gives me a bit of alone time.  Time to think, to read...just to enjoy being in my own company.  The apartment is so small that even adding two more bodies I just need a bit of alone time, though I do like his children very much.  I'm pretty sure if I lived here I would even say I loved them. 
My tattoo is healing quite nicely.  I love my new tattooist, Savannah.  She's the coolest person.  Very friendly and very talented.  I think that if I could draw I'd want to be a tattoo artist.  It certainly would be interesting to hear some of the stories people had and the stories behind their tattoos.  Although, I'm sure working with the public you run into some real jerks, like every other job that you have to deal with people. 
The writing is going suprisingly well.  Last summer I had trouble writing anything at all.  This time it's a tad bit easier.  I can focus a little better than I did before, though I really hate my laptop.  It constantly freezes on me when I'm trying to watch youtube.  Irritating as most youtube stuff is in parts so sometimes you'll be mid way through the last part and it decides to freeze up on you!  F-ing thing!

Anyway, cheers!

Dear God, it's HOT!

So, my first hot summer in Toronto.  Its been thirty above for the last four days.  I haven't been outside, nor do I want to!  Just being in the apt, while not breath takingly hot, is still warm and rather humid.  It's seriously interrupting the writing process as I'm too lethargic to do much of anything.  I did put in an effort earlier and I think I was able to write at least a couple of not very well written paragraphs. 
I'm a bit freaked out by the crappy historical facts I've been writing in my novel.  I can tell you if it ever gets published, it's not going to the same calibre as Susanne's!  Of course, she's been doing research for the past twenty years.  She could probably teach a course in the French Revolution!  She is a revolutionist at heart.  I on the other hand am a modernist.  I believe that every one should be treated equal but I don't think I would have agreed with the death of the King and Queen even though they were being total jerks about it.  There's also the fact that they tried to run.  A bad idea on their part.  But I guess living in a country that has been ruled by the monarchy since its birth, we're still part of a common wealth and even though we're an independent country now, still have the monsrchy as a representative.  Plus, I am a decedent of a Breton family, which were rebels against the revolution, especially after the death of the royal family.   It's a weak argument, but to be honest the reason why I side with a bunch of arrogant block heads is because I think the Jacobist went to far.  In trying to control people they ended up oppressing everyone and everyone was just as bad off as before.  People were still starving and should have had the right to tell their leaders to fuck off.  *Sigh* I suck at politics.

Missing my bed and my dog and strangly my friends

I like Toronto.  Don't get me wrong.  I really do love Toronto.  Just right now I seem to be a bit homesick for my dog, my bed and my friends.  I want to hang out with my good friend Carley.  I want to cuddle with my wee little dog Dita.  I also want to sleep in my own bed.  I do wish Brad could move to Leduc with me.  It would be a perfect scenerio but then HE would miss his kids and Toronto.  *Sigh* 
Good news though.  I'm going to start writing a bio in my other blog.  I finished writing the last of my scenes for Chapter 2.

In Toronto

Welcome to June kids!  I'm in Toronto visiting my boyfriend for the month.  I arrived Friday morning and it's a scortcher here.  I never thought I'd say this but I wish it was a bit cooler outside.  I haven't done much writing as I've been too tired to do much else other than read bits and bobs of books on my kobo and some other stuff lying around the house.  I'm hoping tomorrow I'll be able to settle into some sort of routine and start writing some more.  At least more than the last time I was here.
I had to put my wee poodle down.  I miss Toby horribly and if my immune system could take it I would have probably gotten a pic of him done.  It's weird.  He was the biggest pain in the ass but left the biggest hole now that he's gone.
Brad has been really good about the whole thing.
I miss my dog.
Dita is coping, poor little girl.  She misses her buddy.  I guess she whined a lot when she got home from the airport because she was so tired.  *Sigh*.

I'm off to keep Brad company.

I Wish

I wish
I wish I was pretty
I wish I smarter
I wish I had more talent
I wish I was healthy
I wish I was more energetic
I wish I was better!

Boredom

Poor Florence, she's not feeling well.  We won't be able to meet up for the scene this weekend after all.  No big deal.  A relief actually, because right now I have no access to a car.  Apparently, my terrible driving has ruined something in the steering wheel.  Yay, me. 
I've been spending a lot of cuddle time with my beloved little dog, Dita.  She's a little cuddle monster!  I love her to pieces:-). 
As far as my writing goes, I'm putting together and taking apart a starting scene with Percy.  This is how bored I am.  It's like taking apart a car and then putting it back together again.  Well, perhaps not that intricate and not nearly as dirty but still a lot of fun, surprisingly.  I'm hoping that when I turn this in, Florence will be very impressed, or at least moderatly impressed.  I'm not saying she's overly critical or harsh.  She's actually quite helpful, kind and generous.  She's a lovely person with a big heart so, I am so defiently not bashing her!  I just very much want to impress her, I look to her for approval when it comes to writing. 
Really there isn't much else to report.  Me thinks it's time for me to get some sleep.
Cheers

Ouch

I thought I was over this.  I thought I had come to accept the fact that I was on social assistance.  I can't help it. 
Then a "friend" made me feel bad about it.  Not intentionally I don't think but just the way she worded it made me feel really bad.  I don't know why.  It just made me feel really, really horrible.  Though if I write it down now I'm starting to feel better about things.  Which is usally what happens when I have strong emotions.  It seems once they're on the screen or paper it seems to make me feel loads better and I'm pretty much over it now.  YAY.

This May Seem a Bit Weird and May Seem Arrogant

Ok, so I've noticed that people have been reading my posts.  I'm not sure why.  It hasn't been read in a few weeks which doesn't bother me nor does it bother me that people read my posts.  I'm kind of flattered but also puzzled.  So to anyone who is reading these posts, thank you.  I know they're boring and kinda all about my writing woes but I need some place to vent my frustrations.
Cheers
P.S.  I sincerely apologize if some one thinks I'm being arrogant and thinking I'm some sort of egomaniac.  I'm really not!  Just mystified I suppose.

Almost There

Thank God, almost have that scene done!

One Down One to Go

Well, this is exciting.  I think I finally finished the scene how I was supposed to.  My final draft of this scene will be written tomorrow and then it's on to the next scene which includes the duel and Charles getting his ass kicked. 
I do wish I could work on the bio blog I have set up but I always find I'm too busy with my main project to do anything.  I want to make a detailed bio of Marie Antoinette first, I had the first part of her life done on another blog but I don't remember where it is, but if I can finish the next scene before the week is up, or at least by the end of the weekend, I could start the second part. 
But the point of this entery is that I finished the "shock" scene.  It was the easiest one to write, because the next one is about fighting and dueling, two things I know little to nothing about.
My head is going to exploded.

DONE!

So, yesterday I was complaining of not having the energy to do some writing and that my writing sucked.  The writing might still suck according to the person who edits it, but at least I know I tried my best.  Again, it borders on the purple prose side of things with the descriptions and all but I'm happy with what I did now.  Of course, Florence is not going to happy that I sent three copies of the same scene.  I just, I couldn't send it the way it was!  *Sigh* Anyway, I can stop worrying for now.

HA!

I managed to finish the latest draft of The Escape.  I had to re-write a good two-thirds of the scene.  The beating scene was a bit of a trial.  Let's face it ladies and gents, it was A PAIN IN THE ASS!!!!  Once I got it finished I was satisfied, but I was satisfied the first time I finished it and Florence said it sucked (well, those weren't her exact words but it wasn't very good).  So if I say it's good, chances are she probably won't like it and I'll have to re-work it again.  
I am so bored right now it hurts.  I want to do something, but I feel like falling asleep at the same time.  Does that make sense to you?  I don't feel like writing since I spent the last two weeks (give or take) trying to get this scene done.  Usually after I finish a scene I don't feel like writing for another few days.  Right now I just pray that I can get through this scene with out too many changes when she edits it, then maybe, eventually I'll be able to start working on Chapter 2!  I probably should start writing at least one of my bios for my other blog, but again, feeling to apathetic to do much of anything!  Not sure if it's depression or allergies.  I want to read, but usually if I read, I go to sleep and if I go to sleep then I won't wake up until the next morning.  I want to do a written version of the latest draft but again, too apathetic right now to do much about it.  It's actually quite frustrating...grrrrrr!  Maybe when I'm done chapter 2 I'll work on my Marie Antoinette Bio, oooor...perhaps start work on Chapter 1.  That would be awesome. 
I think I just need a boot in the ass.  A sign that I'm going in the right direction and that I can do this with out getting too depressed about it.  I know it takes a lot of work, and knew that coming in so...no complaints...just do it!

Hard Work Ahead

Had my meeting with Florence to go over the love scene as well as the scene where Charles gets his ass kicked.  I'll probably scribble more about it in my private journal.  (Not that I have an audience, but I have a bit of a paranoid streak about me...heh). Anyway, the good news is that my love scene, though "a bit over the top" is "well done"!  Her words not mine.  I know it was a bit over the top, something I sort of worried about but Florence says that romance novel love scenes tend to be that way. 
The bad news, much to my surprise, is that the "heart-wrenching" scene sucked and will need a lot of work!  Again, not afraid of hard work when it comes to my writing, it's just the fact that I usually over-think these things and then kind of freak out a lot.  I'll just have to get some candles and do some thinking...

Grrrrr

Stupid love scene.  I wish it would just come to me, like everything else that happens when I write...

Meditation:Part 1

So I figure that if I'm going to write about this stupid love scene.  Here are the things I have to kind of think about when doing the scene:

- Emotion behind the act of sex.
- They've been married a long time.  He has no new moves.

So far I've thought about how I should re-arrange the scene...AGAIN!  

*Yawn*

Brad came to visit for the week.  I love having him here.  He makes everything seem better, like nothing in life could bring me down.  I feel safe with him and he's such a loving big ol' teddy bear.  The sex is amazing and we get along like a house on fire.  Only one problem.  He has a diviated septum, which means he snores.  The more tired he is, the more he snores, which equals no sleep for me.  It's frustrating for a person who loves her sleep because not only do I have to get used to sleeping with some one else in the bed, I also have to listen to his snoring.  When I'm at his place, I just go into the next room and sleep there, but I only had the couch to depend on.  The last night he was here, I was so determined to sleep with him I just stuffed toilet paper in my ears, which seemed to work, strangely enough.
Now because of the lack of sleep I feel sick and it'll probably take me forever to recover from it!  Ah, well, if that's the price I must pay so be it.  I'll have to force myself to get used to it if we're gonna eventually move in together.
I gave Florence my new copies of my scenes.  I still hate the love scene but have started meditating on it.  I have to remember it's more about the emotion behind the act, rather than the act itself.  Thankfully, Brad gave me some idea as to what I should meditate on.  It'll probably take me the next week to write something half decent but maybe it'll be better than what I've been coming up with lately!
I asked a lady who is good at writing those sorts of scenes to help me with the terminology.  Hopefully, it'll turn out so I can move on to the next chapter.  I swear to God, when this is all over, I'm gonna just send it to a few agents just to see if I can get it published.  If not, I'll just put it up on Amazon for a couple of bucks, or whatever it is they charge to put an e-book on their site.  After all this work, no matter how crappy I think it is, I'm publishing it!

Clinic

I dread tomorrow.  I have to go to TX clinic.  It makes me nervous and I just ugh...I wish I didn't have to go.

End of Chapter 2?

So, finally finished all my edits in all five of my scenes!  Thank GOD!  It's not that I don't enjoy writing.  I really do.  It's just now that I know my characters a bit more I think I would like to move on to something new.  I know I'm probably bitching for no reason, and that this is all for the best but I like to bitch every now and again. 
Right now I'm writing character profiles of my characters to fill my time.  I'm learning that I have a lot of twisted shit running around inside my head!  There was a line last night that I never would have imagined I would write but I did!  I don't know whether to be proud of it or deeply ashamed.  Part of me feels guilt because the thing I wrote is a cruel taunt to an (imaginary) person who has strong religious beliefs.  True I don`t believe life is butterflies and rainbows but where the hell did this dark thing come from?  I often ask myself these kinds of questions when something pops in my head like that.  I do tend to lean towards the slightly shadier parts of the emotional landscape.  I'm a pretty happy person most of the time but then something like that pops up and I doubt myself. 
The one thing that bothers me about the line is that I actually wrote it!  I didn't want to, but then I thought, it was a good line.  I wasn't trying to copy anyone and it was something original to me.  It might make it into the next book I write.  If I ever get to it!  Have to finish this one first!

Jello

So almost done the scenes in Chpt 2.  One more scene left and then I'm free!  Free I tells ya.  I mean for chapter 2 and maybe three.  Or one and two?  I called this post jello because once the scenes are knitted together and I've finished the the first five chapters there will probably be room for improvement.  I've decided no matter how this book turns out, I'm going to try to get it published.  The worst they'll do is say no.  After all this work, I think it deserves a go.  I mean, Florence has put a lot of her time in it too, and I owe it to her to at least try. 
If I don't get it published by a publisher, I'll just put it up on Amazon for a few bucks.  My hope is to one day write something that actually counts.  Something like Mistress of the Sun.  I would love to write about Charlotte Corday.  I like her.  She may have been a dreamer but she tried to do what she thought was right.  *Sigh* will have to hunt for books about the poor girl. 
Cheers!

Hallejuah!

Oh dear God!  I finally finished The Escape scene.  Jesus!  It took me two weeks two finish it.  Thank God I don't have to worry about it anymore!  I'm free...FREE!!!  HAHAHAHAHAHA

Groundhog day!

So yeah, this won't be a post on the groundhog.  It's more like an update as to what has been going on since I last posted.  It's been a busy end of January/begining of February. 
I turned thirty-three last Saturday and on Monday went out with my friends to a Pajama Party themed Girl's Night Out at The Melting Pot.  Fondue is yummy.  While there I saw and awesome psychic who was pretty much right on the money about everything.  Very cool.  He hesitated about me getting published though.  *Sigh*  I'll try anyway, just because I'm stubborn.

I haven't attempted the love scene yet, but I think I might have a go at it during the weekend.  Dad will be home so that'll give me an opportunity to do some stuff on my own.  I should probably finish reading some of my non-ficition books.  Fuck notes,  if I do that it'll take forever, and I remember that when I was a kind all I did for notes was just read and remember interesting stuff.  If I forget something I'll just flick through the pages and try to find it on my own.  At the very least book mark it.

Other than that, welcome to February:).

Dreams and The Ugly Truth

As I was driving home from dropping Mom off at her physio session, I thought about a dream I had eons ago.  Well, maybe not eons but I think it was sometime in June of last year.
Anyway, I dreamt I was a Queen of Vampires and I had people cowering in my presence, asking favours.  I remember I was sitting on a throne (a real one not a toilet) and feeling bored out of my skull.  It was like these minions were just flies around my head that I knew I could destroy by just snapping my fingers.  It was a very weird dream!
Leonard once went to a psychic who also did dream interpretation and she once said that if you were in your dream, not watching it like a movie but actually in your dream, it meant you were witnessing another version of you in another dimension.  If that's true then my vampire self must think my dimension self is the saddest thing she's ever seen in her entire life.  And being a vampire it must be a very long one!
I suppose I brought this up because sometimes I feel a little worthless.  Ok, a lot worthless.  I mean, I do love myself enough to not toss myself off a cliff or anything so ridiculous but it does affect my ability to function in a normal way.  I constantly need to be validated that I am good at something and not a constant failure and disappointment as my mother has me believe a good chunk of the time.  I think it's the feeling of basic uselessness that drives me into my fantasy world, where I'm a stronger person.  When I say fantasy world I mean, the world I go into when I write.
In that world, I'm beautiful and strong.  In that world I'm successful at writing.  Like Dan Brown, John Grisham, Anne Rice kind of successful.  My first book is accepted right out the gate by a prestigious and respected publishing house.  My books are made into movies.  I sell at least a million copies of every book I write.  There is bidding wars over who gets to publish my next book and I can afford everything I ever dreamt of and can give my family and friends things I could never give them now.
In reality I'll be lucky if I get one book published.  I'll probably slog through hundreds of query letters for twenty years before an agent decides to give me a shot, in which I will be eternally grateful.  Then, when he or she sells my manuscript to Harlequin romance I'll whoop and holler.  If the book doesn't loose the publishing house money I'll be pleased.  Hell, I think I'd be pleased if between one and three complete strangers read my book.  I won't read the reviews because they'll say it's utter crap and I'm a hack (true but won't hurt any less.).  It's this tiny scrap of remotely possible success that has me obsessing over one lousy love scene.  Fuck!

Arrgghh

I have to write a love scene.  I haven't written a love scene in ages!  I wrote one for the express purpose of this story but unfortunatly it sucks.  Hard core.  I'm going to have to read some of those romance novels to get a feel for it.  I really don't want to.  I'm reading Madame Campman's memoirs and the first chapter is actually not that bad!  I thought it would be boring but it's not!   She certainly had a talent for pulling her reader in.  If she's a suck up so what?  At least the woman tells a good story...so far.  I also got the journal of Madame de la Tour de Pin.  It's entirely in French.  Thank God I have my French/English dictionary.  It could be a challenge.  *Sigh*  ARRGGHH!!

Skipping it...

I try to write a little every day, whether it be a page, or an entire scene, I usually pull it off.  Today, not even a tickle.  Well, actually I did manage to get some of it done.  I did want to finish up a re-write but for some reason I just couldn't.  I had to make up a torture scene and it just wasn't coming.  Come to think of it my love scene isn't all that great either.  Oh well, at least I have a base for it.  I just want to finish my scenes for chapter 2!  The only thing is I want to do it right, and I think I may have to re-write the love scene.  It's very mechanical to me.  It's most likely because:

a) It was late at night when I wrote it.

b) I haven't written a love scene in forever and I think might have to flip through a couple of my old romance novels to get it right.  Maybe I should write Florence and ask if I could borrow the one's she photocopied and get some idea as to how to write one. 

Maybe I'm putting too much pressure on myself.  Well, my excuse for lack of enthusiasm for writing today is because I didn't get to sleep last night until twenty to six this morning.  Tomorrow is another day, dammit!

The Meeting

I met with Florence tonight.  We went out to BPs and discussed my story.  More work to do.  A lot more!  I have to do some edits to the scenes I've already done and then once those have been approved, I have to weave it all into one super chapter.  Well chapter two at least.  I am so tempted to complain right now but I stop myself because I know how lucky I am that some one is taking the time (for free!) to help me out. 
I should have paid for the meal tonight and now I feel like a jerk.  Next time I see her I'll sneak a twenty in the envelope that contains the photocopies of the edited scenes.  She works so hard she deserves a free meal, at the very least.  I just have to learn to be better with my god damn money.  Argh!
On the other side of my frustration, I know I have been blessed.  I am thankful for it, I really am.  Just sometimes it's hard to see the forest for the trees you know? (That's as far as the family goes!).
To be honest, guilt is what drives me.  The guilt of not being a good enough daughter or friend.  The guilt that I haven't been fair to people.  It's all encompassing.  Sometimes I feel guilty that I don't pay enough attention to Dita.  I especially feel guilty for not paying enough attention to poor old Toby.  I've been putting off taking him to the vet for his cough.  I don't want him to suffer but at the same time he's not in any kind of real pain.  If a couple of pills will solve it then why not let him enjoy his old age?  I'm afraid Mom is going to force me to put him down and I don't want to.  He's still got some life left in him and he still has some puppy so why not let him enjoy it? 

*sigh*

Sometimes I feel like such a fraud.  The lady at the Edo  Japan asked me if I was working.  I said no, that I was writing.  I even used the term "novel"!  I hate the term novel.  I don't write novels.  I write stories that tend to stretch.  It feels like people look at you differently when you say you're writing.  And not in a good way.  You feel like their kind of thinking "Yeeahhh...suuuure you are.  So is every other jackass I talk to."
I guess I think that because if I were them that's what I would think.  I just wish that I could prove to myself that I'm good.  I mean, have confirmation from a completely unbiased source.  Just based solely on my work. 
I guess I should be careful what I wish for though.  If I honestly want their opinion I should be prepared to be told a million times over that it's probably not what they're looking for or some other such notion.  In other words, if I say I want an unbiased opion I'll get bit in the ass...hard core.  What I really want is to be told I have genius level talent and holy shit why didn't I submit something sooner?!  LMAO.
The truth is I worry constantly that I don't have the talent.  I'm slowly developing the skill but I worry that won't be enough.  I mean, look at Susanne.  It took her fifteen years to get published and she's one of the good ones!  What does that say for me?  I'm not nearly as well read as she is on the subject we write about.  I've only started my first story and I'm not sure I have fifteen years to wait for some one to pick up my manuscript and say "Hey, this might be good."
It's why I say I'll take anything anyone has to offer.  I wish I could afford to be picky but I can't.  It sucks!
I know I shouldn't worry and just enjoy the proccess.  Part of me does.  I like being told that my writing is improving, and that just maybe I'll be able to write two hundred pages of something and actually hold some one's interest.  I dream of seeing what I wrote on the bookshelf at Chapters and know that I wrote that.  It would thrill me if even sold ten books.  Hell it would thrill me if an agent took me on as a client!
I suppose the reason I worry is because I look at a novelist like Caitlin Kitteridge.  She has three series on the go (as far as I know it's three) and she can afford to buy a house and all this stuff on her writing alone.  And she had her first novel published at twenty-five!  I turn 28 in two weeks and I'm just starting my first story, which to be honest, while it might be ok, it's also historically incorrect and Susanne would disown me if I (theoretically)published something that was historically incorrect.  I don't want to let her down after she was so kind to me and helped me find all those books, and let me read that essay she wrote and everything.  I suppose I want to make everyone I know proud and know that I've finally found something I'm good at!  I don't want anyone to think that they wasted their time on me or thought I was using them in some way. 
I don't know how to express to Florence how grateful I am for all she's done for me.  She's teaching me how to write properly and how to hook a reader.  She's wonderful, wise, intellegent and kind and I think if there is a heaven she's going to it.
As for Susanne, I'm just appreciative that she let me be her friend.  She's strong willed (in a good way) and knowledgable.  She's very smart, knows a good deal when she sees it and is very passionate about the history she writes about.  She even let me read something of hers before it got published!  An essay.  I know it doesn't sound like much but to me it was a lot because she valued my opinion enough to read it and she asked me what I thought (I've mentioned it in previous enteries but in case you missed, it was a two thumbs all the way up).
I guess this entery is just to say to any guardian angel or whoever is watching over me, thank you for sending all these wonderful people in my life.  Brad, for being such a great boyfriend.  My friends for giving me a laugh when I need it.  My parents for looking after me, even though sometimes they drive me crazy!  Just every one!
Anyway, off to bed for me
Cheers

The Good and the Bad

Since I'm a cynical pessimest (for those who really know me) I'll start with the bad news first.  One of our neighbours from Airdrie passed away today.  It's really sad because he was like a grandfather to me and mom was upset because at one point Mom and Dad were really close to this couple.  Rest in Peace Bob.  We love you!

The good stuff.  Well it's not so much for me but my friend Susanne has been super busy with her writing lately.  She wrote an excellent essay contrasting the events between 1789 to 1794 and the 99% protests happening in America today.  She has a character interview at her website.  And all the e-book versions of her books are on sale.  I should have asked for a Sony e-reader for Christmas but nooooo, I had to be clever and ask for a Kobo.  Oh well, it's a good starter I suppose but I do wish that Chapters wouldn't charge so much for some of their e-books.  In some cases it's just cheaper to buy the hard cover version!  Though I'm seriously thinking of plunking down the money and just going ahead and buying the damn thing off Kobo.  That way I have something to read at night instead of spending endless hours on the internet.  The only thing is I'll owe more on my stupid credit card.  Seriously?  Debt sucks!
I heard from Florence!  She's been sick.  No surprises since I figure Christmas was pretty busy for her, having to taxi her mom to all her doctor's appointments and top of everything else she was doing, she wore herself down.  We're going to meet on Monday to talk about possibly putting Chapter Two together and finally put that to bed!  I like hanging around Florence.  She's so calm and at ease.  I need people like her in my life to calm the frantic energy that zips through me.  To meet me you would think I was a laid back person but I'm not.  I'm a very nervous person.  I'm constantly fidgeting and have medication to treat some mild anxiety.  It doesn't help that my family is just as intense so it makes me all the more nervous  plus a friend who is high energy, it makes me exhausted!
I feel like I can relax around people like Florence.  She's soft spoken and still. 
Much like Brad.  My boyfriend.  He is focus and quiet compared to my jumping thoughts and exhausted body.  His voice relaxes me.  Sometimes I just close my eyes and focus on his warm, slow voice and my entire body just goes limp.  All the aches and pains from the constant stress that is my life just go away.  At least for awhile.  *Sigh*
Anyway, must be off to bed.

Cheers

Excitement

Last night I finished note taking for chapter 3 of Pleasure and Privilige. Finally. Next project: Write up character profiles for my story and just choose my favourite scene to go with it. I think. *sigh*.

The Need to Write

I can't stand writing notes for research right now but the need to write is still there. Since my friend Florence is still editing my latest scene for my story, I don't want to start writing a new one until that scene has been approved. I guess I could write in my journal but then that would just be more of the same whining and I wanted to type a bit too.
Don't get me wrong. I love the research part of writing. Sometimes I like it more than the writing itself because it helps you picture things more clearly and gives you ideas as to what you may want to do next in your writing. Right now I'm sort of at a cross roads when it comes to this story. I don't know if I want to still go in the direction I orginally wanted it to go, but then I think that if I go where it was originally intended then at least I can say I've completed it and used some of the elements of this story into the other story I have in mind. I have a feeling the other story I have in mind though will take a really long time to write (like this one isn't...haha.). I guess I'm thinking it's going to take a heck of a lot more work and perhaps with all the research I've amassed in the next couple of years it might be more historically acurate.
My main goal is to just get published by what I consider a real publisher. A publishing house. That is to say people who make books for a living. I refuse to self publish because it's not only expensive it's sort of like telling the world that people who have been in the business for years and years don't know what they're talking about and can't see talent like mine so I`ll just do it on my own. Not to say I put down those who do self publish (I know it seems like it but really I`m not!). I just think I would feel more...satisfied if I knew that these people would approve of my skill as a writer. Even if it is Harlequin romance. I`m not picky really. I know this sounds terrible but I don`t care if people consider me a hack but I never proclaimed to be a literary genius. I just like to write. I like to imagine what it would be like to live in the world of my characters and then put it to paper.
Right now Ì`m writing about the French Revolution, from the side of the noblemen. As some one who has a bleeding heart you would think I would side with the revolutionaries as they are the ones who struggled for the rights of the people. I do sympathize with them. I really do. I mean, in my opinion 99.9% of the aristocracy were boneheads. They were selfish and petty and got away with things no normal person would get away with. They fought about the stupidest stuff while the people were dying and didn`t even care! It's irritating to read about these people sometimes. You just want to smack them and say ``You dumbasses! What the hell?!"
At the same time they lived a life of glamour and beauty and during the Reign of Terror they were killed just because of who they were, along with other innocents who were not as rich for saying the wrong thing to the wrong people. They were torn away from the life they knew and kind of tossed into one of violence. It would be something like if you were ripped out of your comfortable, middle class exsistance and thrown into the middle of...I don't know...Iraq with the whole sucide bombings and such. You'd be totally lost in that evironment. You have to feel sorry for them, at least a little.
Well that's the end of my rant.
Cheers