Sometimes I feel like such a fraud. The lady at the Edo Japan asked me if I was working. I said no, that I was writing. I even used the term "novel"! I hate the term novel. I don't write novels. I write stories that tend to stretch. It feels like people look at you differently when you say you're writing. And not in a good way. You feel like their kind of thinking "Yeeahhh...suuuure you are. So is every other jackass I talk to."
I guess I think that because if I were them that's what I would think. I just wish that I could prove to myself that I'm good. I mean, have confirmation from a completely unbiased source. Just based solely on my work.
I guess I should be careful what I wish for though. If I honestly want their opinion I should be prepared to be told a million times over that it's probably not what they're looking for or some other such notion. In other words, if I say I want an unbiased opion I'll get bit in the ass...hard core. What I really want is to be told I have genius level talent and holy shit why didn't I submit something sooner?! LMAO.
The truth is I worry constantly that I don't have the talent. I'm slowly developing the skill but I worry that won't be enough. I mean, look at Susanne. It took her fifteen years to get published and she's one of the good ones! What does that say for me? I'm not nearly as well read as she is on the subject we write about. I've only started my first story and I'm not sure I have fifteen years to wait for some one to pick up my manuscript and say "Hey, this might be good."
It's why I say I'll take anything anyone has to offer. I wish I could afford to be picky but I can't. It sucks!
I know I shouldn't worry and just enjoy the proccess. Part of me does. I like being told that my writing is improving, and that just maybe I'll be able to write two hundred pages of something and actually hold some one's interest. I dream of seeing what I wrote on the bookshelf at Chapters and know that I wrote that. It would thrill me if even sold ten books. Hell it would thrill me if an agent took me on as a client!
I suppose the reason I worry is because I look at a novelist like Caitlin Kitteridge. She has three series on the go (as far as I know it's three) and she can afford to buy a house and all this stuff on her writing alone. And she had her first novel published at twenty-five! I turn 28 in two weeks and I'm just starting my first story, which to be honest, while it might be ok, it's also historically incorrect and Susanne would disown me if I (theoretically)published something that was historically incorrect. I don't want to let her down after she was so kind to me and helped me find all those books, and let me read that essay she wrote and everything. I suppose I want to make everyone I know proud and know that I've finally found something I'm good at! I don't want anyone to think that they wasted their time on me or thought I was using them in some way.
I don't know how to express to Florence how grateful I am for all she's done for me. She's teaching me how to write properly and how to hook a reader. She's wonderful, wise, intellegent and kind and I think if there is a heaven she's going to it.
As for Susanne, I'm just appreciative that she let me be her friend. She's strong willed (in a good way) and knowledgable. She's very smart, knows a good deal when she sees it and is very passionate about the history she writes about. She even let me read something of hers before it got published! An essay. I know it doesn't sound like much but to me it was a lot because she valued my opinion enough to read it and she asked me what I thought (I've mentioned it in previous enteries but in case you missed, it was a two thumbs all the way up).
I guess this entery is just to say to any guardian angel or whoever is watching over me, thank you for sending all these wonderful people in my life. Brad, for being such a great boyfriend. My friends for giving me a laugh when I need it. My parents for looking after me, even though sometimes they drive me crazy! Just every one!
Anyway, off to bed for me
Cheers
No comments:
Post a Comment